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[21 Dec 2006|06:20pm] |
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mood |
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 borgly |
] |
Resistance is futile. You will be Assimilated.
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| Oh, wow. Wow... |
[19 Dec 2006|04:18pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Panzer Ag - MachineGun GoGo |
] |
I love Tori more than I could ever try to express in words. She's been my best friend for ten years. She's helped me so much, through everything. I'm just crying from the sheer emotion of it. We're in touch, again. She wrote me the most amazing email, with the most powerful few sentences. I shan't share them, though. They're mine. ^_^ I will say that I love her so dearly. She has shaped so much of my life and who I am now, and she's such a part of me...
I love you, Victoria Leigh Sturgeon. <3333333333333
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| <3 |
[14 Dec 2006|08:38pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
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music |
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We Three Kings |
] |
Tomorrow is the first day of Chanukah, and I'm actually a little thrilled.
Saturday Adam is coming over. <3
The Christmas concert -- excuse me, winter concert, even Ypsi is politically correct -- is also tomorrow. I have a solo. My flute section sucks. Go me. <33
The most beautiful girl ever. <3333 That's my sister.
I'm getting back in touch with Nicole. I've met her a few times, but we've never stayed in touch. Now we're corresponding. Then she wrote me and called me "lil sis" and I just sort of melted into a puddle on the floor. <333 My sister is so amazing.
Ummmm... Tomorrow Adam is piercing my ears. n_n;
That's it, really. Buckeye has basically stopped eating. We've found a lot of cancer in her body, and we think it's in her heart, too, because it works so hard. Her heartbeat is kind of scary. We put her on really mild stereoids, not to prolong her life but just to make her more comfortable. She was limping around and weak and in pain, so the vet gave her this pain patch. She seems to be doing better.
I'm disturbed at my inability to feel any sadness over this. I must be really... shallow. I mean, even if I don't care about the dog, shouldn't I be sad at Beth and Lisa's mourning?
That's all I really have to saaaaaaaaaay. Hey, I'm dying my hair again today. -^_^-
Oh, and I had like, three breakdowns. My mood is all over the place, gawd. but I'm okay now.
~N
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| Terrible horrible no-good very bad |
[12 Dec 2006|08:29pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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moms watching Chocolat |
] |
I am Adam's punk rock girlfriend, and he is my hardcore boyfriend. XD
(I don't think I'm very punk rock, but I did have a mohawk, and he said, "Will you be my punk rock girlfriend?" and I said, "If you'll be my hardcore boyfriend.")
He is only like, two inches taller than me. XD And he has really sexy hands and piercings and a mohawk. He wants to come over to my house and let me help him dye his hair. <3
I'm smitten. -^_^- Hee.
Let's seeeeeeeeee. I MISS ROBERT. I don't think he cares anymore. I've been reduced to some annoying LJ'er who keeps posting comments on his journal. Grrrr.
Xandi was supposed to come over today. She ditched me to hang out with her ex. Ouch.
I ruined James' mood.
Ryan hates me. He's nice to me at school but I PMed him on Gaia and he said, "FUCK OFF!!!"
Joe still has a crush on me.
I miss Val-kun and Meta-kun.
My boyfriend is probably going to accidentally OD since he's a druggie.
I have a 12% in my English class.
Overall... Today was a very bad day.
~N
EDIT: Oh, yeah. My dog is dying of cancer.
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| Very uninteresting. |
[08 Dec 2006|05:07pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
] |
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music |
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Malice Mizer - Baptism of Blood |
] |
Things would be so much infinitely easier for me if I didn't fall victim to that horrible obnoxious feeling that relationship = worth. Because it doesn't.
We just forget these things alot. ^^;
HO HUM. Tomorrow is Animania and my audition for the Ypsilanti Youth Orchestra. I suck at flute so before every audition I feel like I'm on the edge of doubling over and vomiting, or just breaking down and praying that somehow my adrenaline will cause some miracle and I'll be able to sound better than I am.
I KNOW it's ridiculous for me to be so nervous when there are even middle schoolers in the band. Buuuuuttttt... This is how I get before auditions.
My tongue hurts.
Tyler wins all. :3
~Nasta
what a lame update. XD
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| Blergh |
[06 Dec 2006|04:05pm] |
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mood |
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morose |
] |
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music |
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Gackt - Kimi Ni Aitakute |
] |
If I know ANYTHING about Stephan, I know one thing:
He knows how to make me cry.
~N
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| Maturity |
[04 Dec 2006|07:36pm] |
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mood |
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rejuvenated |
] |
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music |
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La'Cryma Christi - IN FOREST |
] |
I am far too mature to let myself be sucked into sadness and let it control me. >_<;;;;
Today I was going to let it, and Sam went and proved once again why he's my best friend. XD I think everyone needs a cuddly Jew with a Jewfro like his as a best friend. :3 During band I was really exhausted and he just came up and hugged me. <3333 Hugs aren't his thing, y'know?
I just woke up from a four hour nap, ate some chocolate and a scone, and read some Dean Koontz, and now I'm ready to take over the world again. XD
~Supa Nasta!
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| Ugh. |
[03 Dec 2006|03:19pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
] |
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music |
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Buck-Tick - Muchi no Namida |
] |
I...
seem to have infinite capacity for pushing people away, hurting them, and fucking things up.
HOW DO PEOPLE FUCKING STAND ME? How the hell is it they get close when all I really have ever done is make things unbearable for everyone?
WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST STAY AWAY?
Stop playing like I'm important. It's a lie and I see through it.
~Anastasia
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| What the hell. |
[03 Dec 2006|12:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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John Lennon - Happy Xmas (War is Over) |
] |
Gimme something to say. xDDD
Friday is Chanukah, and then Solstice, and then Xmas. This is the shitty thing about having a multi-denominational family. My side of the family is Jewish and Christian, Lisa and Sian are Pagan, and since we live in the U.S. we all celebrate the consumerist holiday of Xmas (as opposed to the religious holiday, Christmas). I don't have any time for myself at ALL during this time because there are so many fscking holidays. >w<;;; Chanukah's really long. I'm not anti-semitic, but I don't want to participate in ANY organized religion, and that includes Judaism. And then, in a few days after Chanukah, Lisa's going to say, "There's a Solstice ritual coming up with some of the Quaker-Pagans. Would you like to come?" and I'm going to say, "I have an awful lot of homework... I don't know." And Beth is going to give me a look that says, "You'll fucking come to this, whether you want to or not." And then a few days later, the schizophrenics are going to come over. But, that's not going to happen because I'm going to have killed myself.
I think I'm getting a piccolo for Chanukah/Xmas. -^o^- Lisa said something about looking at them on Ebay. That's awesome. XD I've been saving up to get one and that means I could put the money to something else. <33333
As for the other things: Hmm. I don't know. There are alot of things I could say, but I might be better off not saying. But I will, anyway. It's pissing me off how Robert K. wanted to be with me and someone else, and then pushed me away, and then jealously accuses me of being interested in Robert Rau, and then I find out that he's going to be seeing his ex and I still have no idea what's going on between him and I anyway, and I just go, "Wow. I'm not jealous, I'm not upset, I have so much more self-control than he does."
Mmn, and last marking period I failed three classes. I almost failed four, but Krause was really nice and bumped me up to a D-. Right now I'm failing five of them. It's only the second week of the marking period, though. I still have time. I just don't... care. And I don't want medication, but it looks like I have no choice.
Robert K. made me promise not to cut, so I went and started kicking my legs and pinching them to bruise myself, for awhile, and then finally I've just given in and started cutting. Wow. Fucking A, Nasta, you're amazing. Now he's going to go do it and it's all your fault.
Lols. And everyone tells me I'm "smart."
~Nasta
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| Chocolate |
[30 Nov 2006|06:43pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
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music |
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MELL - Red Fraction |
] |
<3 I just made brownies for Rob.
Hmm... Maybe.
~N
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| WHOA! |
[30 Nov 2006|03:57pm] |
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mood |
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 dorky |
] |
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music |
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La'Cryma Christi - Lime Rain |
] |
First off...
Yesterday was the marching band banquet. It was uber loads of fun. ^_^ Mr. Kaz was cracking jokes and just being sheer awesomeness. We had pizza and I hung out with people and we talked. The whole thing was great. I look forward to this year and the next two with Mr. Kaz as band director. ^_^ He's very, very cool. <3 <3 <3 <3^infinity
Sooooooooooo. Speaking of band. My flute section sucks. BUT ON TO SOMETHING THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW...
Ummm. Hey, that's really it. XD It's raining and there might be a snow day tomorrow. I went to school without a jacket this morning, since it was like... 60 degrees, and practically December. <3 Global warming will make us all crispy very, very soon.
I'll write again when I have, y'know, something interesting in my life.
Until then,
~N
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| ♥ |
[28 Nov 2006|04:02pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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MELL - Red Fraction |
] |
Sam made my day today. <3 I was in the computer lab preparing for my debate and having a REALLY bad day -- I was really close to just crying. ;_; I had a really cool night staying up really late talking to Tyler on the phone, and then Beth woke me up and bitched me out and I got to school and my teachers were all bitching me out about my grades... It was low-grade stress stuff, I guess, but I wasn't enjoying myself. I looked up and in the next computer lab over, he was standing in the window, pressing a piece of paper against it that said in large letters, in his distinctive and horrible handwriting, "STACEY!" And then he waved alot and we made "I love you" signs at eachother. I couldn't stop smiling. <3
So, yes. I am in a highly highly awesome mood. I'm invincible right now. I'm going to take over the world. ^-^
Sam is such a great friend. <3
~N
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| So fucking tired. |
[27 Nov 2006|05:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
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music |
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Le Tigre - Well Well Well |
] |
I was up way late... watching Babylon Five. I don't deserve to inhabit this planet. v_v I'm just so incredibly obnoxiously horribly lame. XD It seems like every chance they get, they show Garibaldi's chest hair. What's up with that? ^^;;;; It's such a fun series. I wish I had a Centauri accent. Londo reminds me of... Napoleon.
What's really sad is I'm probably going to be up just as late, again, doing the same thing. What the hell.
( I look weird when I wake up. )
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| They're falling apart. |
[26 Nov 2006|11:54am] |
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mood |
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sad |
] |
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music |
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Dir en Grey - Raison D'etre NANAGO MIX |
] |
So, Sarah and Xandi didn't come over last night, which I guess was fine, since I crashed at like, 11 PM. I'm sure they would have wanted to be up much later than that. ^^; I was hoping to tell Sarah that I think she's really pretty and that when we were at Queerzone and she held my hand I really liked it... *heart flutters* -^_^- But you know. She couldn't come. XD And I'd rather not over the phone...
I've been talking again alot more to math Rob over break. It's been really nice. XD He keeps sending me those annoying ytmnd things. >___> But that's okay. XD I've missed Rob alot. He's like, one of my closest most trusted friends. <33 We're going to have children together, because our children would just be AMAZING.
Also, I've been speaking alot more to Val-kun... what a sweetheart. I love you, Val-kun.
Ummmmmmm. And then I have some friends that seem to be falling apart. Poor James is getting sick over it. I left really worried and I haven't heard from him this morning. I hope he's okay. <3 ;___; He's torn between myself, Steph, and Sam. ^^;; It probably doesn't help that I'm sort of not waiting around for him to make up his mind. It's hurting him alot. And Steph is rushing him to commit to Sam and... it's all very oi. I wish I could do something for him or something, but you know. There's nothing I can really do.
And Canadian Robert has totally shut down. I really, really miss him, but there is obviously nothing for me to do there. It's driving me crazy. I feel so helpless, and shallowly, so marginalized. But I'm pushing that thought aside.
I wish I had something profound to say, but I'm just sad.
~Nasta
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| Raped. |
[25 Nov 2006|06:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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scared |
] |
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music |
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Buck-Tick - Gessekai |
] |
I have to finally say something about this.
Since mid-October, every night, reliably, I have nightmares. They're TERRIFYING. Not terrifying in the zombies and vampires sort of way, of course. They're terrifying in a more mental, visceral way. Every night, in harsh clarity, and painful, vivid detail, I dream of being raped. I used to go to sleep wearing panties, but after the first three nights or so when I woke up full of adrenaline and almost naked, I slowly started wearing more and more, and now I look ready for a snowstorm when I go to bed. I'm always being raped by someone I know -- sometimes Devin, sometimes Beth... And it's always so clear, down to what underwear I'm wearing and the feel of their hands on my wrists.
I woke up this morning at 5:30 SOBBING. I dreamed that I was laying in my room, falling asleep, and so I sort of confused my dream with reality when I woke up. I was laying in bed and someone came in and tried to spread my legs and I tried to kick him, and my body responded, and I woke up with a yell that could have woke the whole neighborhood just shaking all over.
Every. Single. Night.
I feel embarassed, ashamed. I'm embarassed because I'm dreaming of my friends harming me, and my own mothers. I'm embarassed because I'm letting it control me. I'm embarassed because I'm really fucking scared by these. I'm embarassed because my brain is creating this. I'm embarassed that I can't shrug it off as just a dream.
I think before October, I probably only ever had one rape dream, period. and now they're coming every night. I've tried taking Nyquil to stop dreaming, I've tried warm milk, I've tried tarot readings, I'VE TRIED I'VE TRIED. I've tried everything but telling anyone about it. It's wearing me thin.
I would do anything to be numb right now.
~Nasta
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| Reboot. |
[24 Nov 2006|05:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Veruca Salt - Used To Know Her |
] |
From time to time, I can't stand who I was, who I am... who I am becoming. Reading through my old entries made me feel sick, nauseous.
"The only pretty thing about me is my blood."
I'm so drastically different. And YES, I cannot count how many times I've started over, how many new journals I've started, how many entries have been erased forever... But this is very important to me. I want to be able to see myself on this little corner of the internet, and BE myself on this little corner...
I'm so different. I'm come so far.
Maybe I can become someone worth something, eventually. Maybe I can change the world.
>_<;
~Nasta
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o0_baiser_0o's journal
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